Dear managing editor of [major video gaming website or publication],
Don't worry any of about that, though. I understand. You're just trying to keep your head down (there’s two of us in here now, remember?). You only want to deliver the stories -- not stories, content – all of the most important content about product sales, graphics resolutions, game feature announcements and review scores that your objective journalistic reputation was built upon. As you know, these are the things that real gamers care about and you’re only trying to stick to a winning formula.
To do otherwise would be reckless. Stupid, even. Why take a needless risk by defending the most marginalized groups of game fans when you have so little to gain but a legion of active hit-providers and commenters to lose? And surely no games media outlet – least of all one with the journalistic integrity of yours -- wants to carry that kind of baggage.
Fortunately for you, I’m about to make your job a whole lot easier...starting with game reviews.
To help streamline the delivery of content that real gamers crave, I've prepared a pre-written template to help your staff write reviews that efficiently deliver the information your fans want to know, devoid of any controversial critiques about how a game represents women, people of color, LGBT characters or any of that other empathetic nonsense that real gamers so passionately despise.
It’s very intuitive, too! Just fill in the name of the game you’re reviewing and select the most appropriate word or phrase where prompted and voila!
You have my full permission to use this template for any and every review you write going forward. And the best part? Most people will be unable to tell the difference between this and all of the other reviews you used to painstakingly write from scratch.
Enjoy!
[GAME TITLE] REVIEW
[OPTIONAL: A pun-laden subheading alluding to the game’s overall level of quality -- a.k.a. a futile plea for the visitor to continue reading the rest of the review before scrolling down to see the score at the bottom of the page]
It’s [not / just about] every day that a game comes along with such [lofty / lowly] ambitions, only to provide gamers with an end product that [over / under]-delivers on [all / most / some / none] of its promises.
[Game title] is just such a game.
At first glance, [Game title] appears to be a typical [genre]-type game with all of the standard [shooting / looting / driving / simulation / combo-centric] gameplay conventions that fans of the genre have been long accustomed to. In many ways, that is an apt summary of [Game title]’s premise but there is far more to it than that. [Game title] offers its own unique take on the experience by adding [wacky weapons / an open world / advanced AI / zombies / more cleavage] into the mix. Ultimately, these additions have a significantly [positive / negative / insignificant] impact on the experience as a whole.
[Game title]’s story is [compelling / non-existent] which is okay because the narrative is [this game’s biggest draw / not something that matters]. Once you complete the single-player [story / career / campaign / franchise] mode over the course of [#] hours, you will be [entertained for a while longer / bored out of your mind]. If you crave a more social experience and want to interact with other people, you can [play online multi-player with up to # players / turn the game off and leave your house].
Visually, [Game title] is [stellar / a mixed bag / hideous]. The graphics run at a [smooth / choppy] frame rate at resolutions of [#]p on PS4 and 900p on Xbox One. However, it’s the bold art direction that really steals [the show / away any believability]. The environments are so [detailed / vibrant / brown] you could swear you’re playing a game from [the next-gen / the ‘90s / 2006]. To top it all off, the character models are very [expressive / lifelike / non-existent because this is a puzzle game]. The music and sound effects are equally [impressive / dreadful] but if you’re just blabbering over a headset the whole time, you’re not going to care anyway.
In summary, [Game title] is [a fantastic experience / not for everyone / a pile of crap] and is definitely worth [purchasing / renting first / ignoring].
REVIEW SCORE: [Enter # -- will automatically be recalculated within one standard deviation of the average Metascore]
It’s [not / just about] every day that a game comes along with such [lofty / lowly] ambitions, only to provide gamers with an end product that [over / under]-delivers on [all / most / some / none] of its promises.
[Game title] is just such a game.
At first glance, [Game title] appears to be a typical [genre]-type game with all of the standard [shooting / looting / driving / simulation / combo-centric] gameplay conventions that fans of the genre have been long accustomed to. In many ways, that is an apt summary of [Game title]’s premise but there is far more to it than that. [Game title] offers its own unique take on the experience by adding [wacky weapons / an open world / advanced AI / zombies / more cleavage] into the mix. Ultimately, these additions have a significantly [positive / negative / insignificant] impact on the experience as a whole.
[Game title]’s story is [compelling / non-existent] which is okay because the narrative is [this game’s biggest draw / not something that matters]. Once you complete the single-player [story / career / campaign / franchise] mode over the course of [#] hours, you will be [entertained for a while longer / bored out of your mind]. If you crave a more social experience and want to interact with other people, you can [play online multi-player with up to # players / turn the game off and leave your house].
Visually, [Game title] is [stellar / a mixed bag / hideous]. The graphics run at a [smooth / choppy] frame rate at resolutions of [#]p on PS4 and 900p on Xbox One. However, it’s the bold art direction that really steals [the show / away any believability]. The environments are so [detailed / vibrant / brown] you could swear you’re playing a game from [the next-gen / the ‘90s / 2006]. To top it all off, the character models are very [expressive / lifelike / non-existent because this is a puzzle game]. The music and sound effects are equally [impressive / dreadful] but if you’re just blabbering over a headset the whole time, you’re not going to care anyway.
In summary, [Game title] is [a fantastic experience / not for everyone / a pile of crap] and is definitely worth [purchasing / renting first / ignoring].
REVIEW SCORE: [Enter # -- will automatically be recalculated within one standard deviation of the average Metascore]
So there you have it. Good luck out there!
Sincerely,
Brian
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